- Check to make sure there’s a strike. Strikes cheer everyone up and accomplish so much!
- Bundle up. The metro is always freezing! Even if it is hot, there’s nothing wrong sweating like you just ran on public transportation.
- Arrive just as the train leaves. This is hard to do, but the best of us manage this at least 50% of the time.
- Do not sit down to wait. Those benches are for weenies and idiots. Stand. Stand as close as you can to the tracks so as to be NUMBER ONE on the metro, baby.
- Do not let the departing passengers off. Shove on in; you are número uno.
- Lean against the middle railing. But if you can get a seat, sit with legs sprawled wide. Alternately, find any way possible to take up tons of space.
- Ask for money.
- Sing and dance, then ask for money.
- In general, annoy your fellow passengers.
- Talk about the people standing by you. In Spanish, as if they can’t understand you. This isn’t Spain, is it?
- Smell bad. If at all possible. If you can’t smell bad, do try to reek of cologne/perfume/sun-ripened raspberry body spray and/or its ilk.
- Get up two stops before yours. There’s just no time to get up otherwise. Tell the people in front of you who are also getting off that you are getting off. They should let you up front! Don’t they know who you are?
- Do not check the signs to see which exit would be best.
- Stop in the middle of a large group of people.
- Turn around; you were going the wrong way.
- Do not apologize if you swipe someone’s shoulder so that they stagger backwards. After all, don’t hate the player, hate the game.
- Stand on the left side of the escalator so no one get by. Optional: stand on the center-left side so as to appear as though you’re considerate but do not actually be considerate. No, no, tsk, tsk.
- Rinse, repeat
Thank goodness I don’t have to ride the metro on a daily basis! I find myself liking buses more and more!