Sometimes I forget just how complicated it is to live in another culture. Here, then, are 15 rules for living and thriving en España.
If you wanna be as cool as him, you gotta follow some basic rules
- Wear a scarf at all times from September until May. If you do not wear a scarf, be prepared to “catch” cold. You see, viruses do not cause colds; no, cold causes colds.
- After getting up, do not immediately make the bed. You must open the window, even in the dead of winter, to let the bed air out. Otherwise, it will stink.
- You must eat fruit after the meal. You must peel the fruit, even if the peel is edible and arguably the most nutritious part (apples, pears). You may also wish to eat your orange with a knife and fork, but only if you are skilled.
- Hot leftovers must never go into the fridge immediately. It is better to leave it out for hours on the counter until it is lukewarm and then put it in the fridge.
- If you exercise (and this is a big giant if) you must buy the latest in biking/running/swimming gear. Acceptable: Adidas running pants that wick the sweat off you (cost: €50). Not acceptable: Shorts. T-Shirts. Try not to run with music; that sort of behavior is only for pretend athletes. Not like you.
- There should be a broom for the kitchen and one for the rest of the house. These brooms must never, under any circumstances, be mixed up. You may die.
- Do not trust air conditioning. It is only tolerable if you live in the south. Otherwise, just wear your underwear all day long and sleep without bed covers.
- Vacation in August. Take the whole month off. You don’t pay out your ass in taxes for nothing!
- That thermometer? Yeah, it goes under your arm, not your tongue. The horror!
- As a woman, you always give dos besos. If you are a man, you always give women the two kisses, but only give other men two kisses if they are your family. Otherwise, you do what any man anywhere does – a handshake, and if you like the dude, turn that handshake into a backslapping prototypical “man hug.”
- Pretend you don’t care about gossip. Say you don’t care. But still…care.
- Be “vegetarian,” meaning you don’t eat red meat so you can lose weight. But still eat it on special occasions. Life is for living, right??!
- Disparage the institution of marriage…you are past such things. If you must get married, realize it is only for your dear Catholic mother, the dear.
- Say you are Catholic, no matter if you can count the times you’ve gone to Mass on one hand.
- If you are an unmarried guy in your 20s, having a hairless chest is important. Visit the hairdresser regularly. Shaving your legs is also A-OK.
I hope these tips will assist you in your journey to españolizar yourself. Godspeed!