- Never, ever wear shorts. Unless it’s winter and then (and only then), you may wear them. With tights, of course.
- Have a pair of “house clothes.” These are the clothes you change into immediately upon returning home. These mustn’t be worn on the street under any circumstances, even if you are just going to the grocery store to buy milk. Just don’t do it.
- Boots, boots, boots. You must own them, and wear them as often as possible. Perhaps even in the shower. You must also own a pair of ankle booties, to be worn with a skirt/tights combo or even a shorts/tights combo if you’re daring. With jeans is okay too.
- Scarves, dahhhling. This is essential and cheap. They are often sold for €3 in open-air markets and can add a touch of pizzazz to any outfit. Even if you are man (a manly man), fear not. It is completely socially acceptable to wear a scarf and no one will think less of you. You will probably be seen as cool and loved by all the 16 year-olds at your high school.
- Wear a beautiful medium-length coat. But it shouldn’t be colorful. No. It should be one of three colors: brown, black, or gray. Do not stray from this pattern. It is only acceptable to stray if you are 60+ and that is because you will be wearing a fur coat, strolling around town with your amigas.
- Wear high heels even when it may cause you to fall to your death on a cobblestone street. You are a bad ass, and you fear nothing.
- Look sultry. Practice this look in the mirror until you actually become sultry.
- Wear makeup everywhere, even to take out the trash. Don’t forget your 2039483 bracelets and dangerously large dangly earrings.
- Be thin, but never exercise, only pretend to diet. By pretend I mean say you’ve stopped eating bread.
- Tote a huge bag and look peeved about it.
- Do not look where you are going whilst walking on a street and do not, I repeat, DO NOT, ever apologize for bumping into another person.
- Never ever wear the following: hooded sweatshirts, flip flops anywhere but the beach, gym clothes anywhere but the gym, running shoes, Ugg boots, North Face or similar sports brands, or sports paraphernalia anywhere but a soccer game.
All in all, you must strive to look good at all times. It’s rather exhausting, and I long for the days when I could walk into Kroger, sweaty from my latest workout, and have no one give me a second glance. It’s cool though, Spain, I suppose you’ve made me into a better, slightly more polished person. In turn, I will stubbornly refuse to learn to love any form of Spanish techno/house music. Deal? Deal.